On being single

Early days:

It was sudden. I did not know that it had happened. My husband, a healthy, virile man a few days before, had passed away. I could not believe this. I rubbed his hands, I rubbed his feet but the sweat from his body ran like a little stream near his body. My brother said that his pulse was falling. I did not believe it. Such a healthy, young man, he could n’t have. "C’mon what are you saying?" I answered. I stood up and started looking out of the window. My parents came running and they started screaming that my husband had passed away. I just moved away not willing to believe it. In fact I looked out of the window and saw my uncle go by in his two-wheeler passing by. I called out to him as if everything was normal. But till date I do not know how reality struck me later, for when I saw somebody crying near my husband’s body, I would cry too.

I just did not know what to do next. There were so many things to do. We had just shifted to a new flat and now that my husband had passed away I could not afford the rent. I had to vacate. I moved over to my mother’s place because that was the closest and my in-laws did not want to do anything with me. Slowly the gravity of the situation struck me and I knew I had to start working. I got a job with a meager salary in a company where I had worked before. My son’s school had to be changed. His school fees were expensive and he had to go to a school where the fees were nominal.

The whole world seemed to be turned topsy-turvy for me. My husband had a car that had to be sold because it was taken on a loan and the best way to repay the loan was to give away the car. Slowly all the things that were dear to me and my husband had to go away. It tore my heart to see the things being taken away or sold because I needed the money to pay off the huge loans my dear husband had left me with. I fought with reality and my emotions, but finally reason got the better of it. So with a brave heart and smile I started working in the company after barely a month of my husband’s death. I put on a brave front and chided myself whenever I felt the loss of my husband. My son did not like the new school and would cry everyday after school and when I came home I felt sad and helpless.

I started working in the office and very soon I was to be given a permanent job with a better salary. I had joined as a trainee and things were looking up for me. I also enrolled for a correspondence course and came out with flying colours. I wanted to be bold and not be cowed down by problems. But a problem came in a new way. My new boss was an army man and I thought some systems would be put in place in the department where I worked. But he raved and ranted as he would at a junior in the army and I started feeling miserable. I hated going for work. But one day I confronted him and said that there was a better way of addressing people and that I was one of the people. He got the message and mended his ways. I learnt a lot in my department from him and it was the same boss who taught me to just face anyone and everyone in life. It was strange though that I remember this incident in my office. It was lunchtime and as was the routine all the staff gathered in a room to have lunch. It was also the practice to share each other’s lunch and on that particular day it was a festival of the Hindu Brahmin community. By habit, I leaned forward to take a piece of the sweet from one of the employee’s lunch box. She immediately grabbed it and when I looked up I was asked not to touch it. I was horrified. I did not know what to do. She said that I was a widow and could not touch an item that was sacred for the married community. I just bent over my food not letting this affect me. But affect me, it did. I went to the rest room and sobbed my heart out for being singled out. I resolved then never to touch anyone’s food unless they asked me to take it.

Hey! Not to worry I am fine now with a good job and making others happy.